The Visitor

{A Journal Entry}
I've lived with depression for almost 13 years.  I've been out of the black for several months now.  However a few days ago was not a good day.  The following morning I sat down to journal with Adonai about it.  I had no idea it was going to turn into this story.  I had no idea where it was going until it got there.  

My heart was afraid, but I refused to fear.
Despair stopped by for a visit yesterday.
I didn't answer the door.
I watched it for a while through the window and I considered letting it in out of the cold.
It has been quite neglected for a long time and it looked pretty pitiful out there.

But then
I decided to turn away from the window.
And I saw Who was sitting right there in the room with me.
Like a delightful, cozy fire, the heat of His love surrounded me and drew me closer to Him.
Away from the cold window. 
Away from the creature waiting expectantly for me.

We didn't talk much.
It had already been said before.
When He told me He loves me, and I answered that I love Him.
Oh, how I remember that day!
That beautiful and holy day.
The day of the Gift.

I had been together with that Despair creature for a long time.  
We were walking down a dark, deserted alley.  
It was going to show me how to murder me when we got there.
As we walked, the darkness grew more thick and more heavy.
I nearly suffocated.

Right as we turned the corner to reach the End, He was there.
So bright!  
Splendor and majesty so potent, my guide screamed in pain.
Then vaporized completely.

He was so strong. 
So Royal.
I was stunned that such an important King would venture to such a dank, filthy place.
This alley of black.
Before I could faint in the presence of such pure Light, He scooped me up
And we flew.
Up the sky.
Out of the dirty black.
Into the clean blue.

So fast.
So high.
So hot.
So free.

We alighted upon a mountain.  
His mountain.
The very center of His Royal Kingdom.
He set me down.
He offered me a Gift.
A beautiful and holy Gift.
A Robe
Of Righteousness.

I shrank back in shame. 
Ashamed that He would find me, 
Come get me,
From such an unholy and inglorious place.
I stepped back a step.
He stepped forward a step.

I knew then, as I know now while sitting safe in the heat of His love 
While pitiful Despair languishes outside that window
That He actually does love me.
And because He loves me,
I love Him.

So, I turned and walked away. 
My back to the window.  
I wrapped His Robe tighter around me,
Kneeled at His feet,
And sang our song.

Light of the World
You Stepped Down Into Darkness
Opened My Eyes
Let Me See
Beauty That Made This Heart Adore You
Hope Of A Life Spent With You
So Here I Am To Worship
Here I Am To Bow Down
Here I Am To Say
You're My God

"Here I Am To Worship" by Tim Hughes, © 2001 Kingsway's Thankyou Music; admin. EMI Christian Music Publishing

Isaiah 61:10
1 John 4:19